Loneliness

Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.   C.G. Jung


This statement encompasses the main reason I went to counseling.  I started with marriage counseling, how to fix my husband so we could be happy together.  Counseling rapidly turned into me counseling because I could not function in any relationship.  Dissociation ruled my life.

http://www.neurosymptoms.org/#/dissociative-symptoms/4533053148

Depersonalisation – a feeling that your body doesn’t quite belong to you or is disconnected from you

Derealisation – a feeling that you are disconnected from the world around you or “spaced out”

For a detailed description of dissociative symptoms you can download an article here  which describes them for a neurology journal

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/dissociative-disorders/DS00574/DSECTION=symptoms

Signs and symptoms common to all types of dissociative disorders include:

• Memory loss (amnesia) of certain time periods, events and people
• Mental health problems, including depression and anxiety
• A sense of being detached from yourself (depersonalization)
• A perception of the people and things around you as distorted and unreal (derealization)
• A blurred sense of identity

Hard to have a relationship when you feel detached from living. 

Early in my counseling I described to my counselor that I felt like a little kid standing outside of a candy store looking through a huge window.  I can see what I want.  Everyone I love is inside eating and enjoying myself but I can't find the door and they can't hear my screams.  I felt isolated in a crowd.  I felt alone in a room full of people.  I reached out and there was a bubble encasing me that I felt like I pushed too hard it would explode with me at the epicenter of the explosion.  I tried to connect with my children but I accepted the disconnect as part of children growing up and away from the parent never suspecting that I couldn't reach them in the first place.

Memory loss - Any body ask me to help them remember anything I would start laughing.  My memory was like a sieve.  Nothing stuck.  I could even write myself a note and later the note would have no meaning or I wouldn't remember where I put the note.

Depression and anxiety - I felt these were a normal part of living.  I lived with them so much I didn't know I was drowning in it.

Depersonalization - I could see that I was doing certain things but I would feel so detached from my body that I didn't feel like I was the one doing things.  I could see the results that things got done but I would be baffled as to how it happened.

Derealization - Moving through the motions of living but feeling surreal rather than real.

Identity - I took a Search for Identity class in high school.  I knew that that there was something very wrong with me and my inability to know what I wanted out of life.  I felt clueless about who I was...little did I know how accurate that feeling was.  I didn't know.  I couldn't connect.  I couldn't get inside the candy store.  I wanted to so badly but I didn't know how to get from where I was to where I wanted to be.