Hesitate to write

I hesitate to write at this time because how I feel about what is happening in the World is so colored by what I experienced as a child.  I lived a fear based life, it doesn't end well, ever.  I am mostly cynical.  I want to follow the money and who is making a profit by this pandemic.  I want to shake some people and tell them not to panic but I know in my heart that only ups the panic.  I am frustrated with people skewing facts to serve their own purposes.  All these things happen all the time but such a massive combination is unusual.  I did not see this much panic after Mount Saint Helen's blew ash all over Washington state and stores closed instantly for 3 days.  $500 fines for driving on the Freeway.  Terror for about a week, then we were all done and in 3 weeks all was pretty much back to normal and a baby boom 9 months later.  Other illnesses have been far more deadly but no schools were closed.  I believe the economic impact from fear will out weigh the over all impact of the illness itself but only time will tell that one. 

I am mostly calm.  I checked in with myself to make sure my emotions didn't just pack up, but I am feeling a variety of things with an overall calmness that some people question as not caring what is happening.  I care.  I am worried about contract workers and others that will not be paid during this time.  I worry about medical personnel that are being exposed in their daily work.  I worry about how tartgeted this illness seems to be, those that are already sick take it the hardest.  I am worried about education losses by closing all the schools.  I feel all this and then I pray and I feel calm.  Not because I believe the storm will be taken away but because I believe through faith filled choices we will weather this storm.

In weathering this storm, it will change us.  Some for the better, some not so much.  Some will be taken out of the game and die.  I feel deep sorrow for this loss.   I pray when I feel worried.  I count blessings that abound all around.  I am taking this time to learn Spanish which will help me with interacting with students that mostly speak Spanish.  I don't interact with too many people because I am concerned that they will think negatively because I seem so calm about what is happening.  Mostly I am calm, but I also had years of practice of putting on a calm front so no one could use what I am feeling against me.  Over all....I've survived so much, I figure I'll survive this too.  I hope to come out the other side a more caring, compassionate person that can speak a little bit more Spanish.