Homer
I wish this were true. The truly bizarre thing about growing up in a home with a narcissistic/borderline personality mother and enabling father were the number of times my pain, hurt, distress was totally invalidated. All concern, consideration and allowances were for NM. I can't count the number of times after a vicious verbal attack by my mother, my father would chime in, "That is just the way she is, you got to love her." Harm was done. It was also totally ignored. The expectation existed that I must continue forward as if nothing happened. If I don't, I am unforgiving and they point out that this is the greater sin. Scriptures twisted beyond recognition of their original intent. I stopped reading the Bible for a long time until I came to a clear understanding within myself that the words were twisted to suit their intent. Now, I am reconsidering many things I learned under their care. I still appreciate the day I passed on my father's quote to KavinCoach. He simply replied, "No you don't." That brief phrase rocked my world. A lie I had lived with for 50 years shattered in his office. The harm done by this single lie is still unacknowledged by my parents. I am acknowledging at last that as a 53 year old adult with wonderful children and grand children, I decide what type of relationship I will have with my mother. I have also decided I am not a fool and I understand the harm inflicted. My responsibility now is to protect myself from her attacks. The hardest thing being is that she will go soft and quiet for a long time. Then at some moment in time when we are alone, she will verbally attack. I will not be alone with her. I will leave if she says anything that is offensive or cruel. I do not deserve her callous, unkind remarks. Homer did not have a mother like mine.
I wish this were true. The truly bizarre thing about growing up in a home with a narcissistic/borderline personality mother and enabling father were the number of times my pain, hurt, distress was totally invalidated. All concern, consideration and allowances were for NM. I can't count the number of times after a vicious verbal attack by my mother, my father would chime in, "That is just the way she is, you got to love her." Harm was done. It was also totally ignored. The expectation existed that I must continue forward as if nothing happened. If I don't, I am unforgiving and they point out that this is the greater sin. Scriptures twisted beyond recognition of their original intent. I stopped reading the Bible for a long time until I came to a clear understanding within myself that the words were twisted to suit their intent. Now, I am reconsidering many things I learned under their care. I still appreciate the day I passed on my father's quote to KavinCoach. He simply replied, "No you don't." That brief phrase rocked my world. A lie I had lived with for 50 years shattered in his office. The harm done by this single lie is still unacknowledged by my parents. I am acknowledging at last that as a 53 year old adult with wonderful children and grand children, I decide what type of relationship I will have with my mother. I have also decided I am not a fool and I understand the harm inflicted. My responsibility now is to protect myself from her attacks. The hardest thing being is that she will go soft and quiet for a long time. Then at some moment in time when we are alone, she will verbally attack. I will not be alone with her. I will leave if she says anything that is offensive or cruel. I do not deserve her callous, unkind remarks. Homer did not have a mother like mine.
4 comments:
My NM was a bit different from your EF. In a back handed way, he admits she's out of line but then tells you to accept it and love her anyway. My NM denied NF was anything but perfect and would accuse me of either being mentally ill or lying.
Same result:"Harm was done. It was also totally ignored."
After making my boundaries so clear even NF could grasp them, I also determined to walk out whenever NF attacked. My plan was to extend the length of NC each time it happened but this last incident was so bizarre that I decided I was done.
"Offensive" is a great descriptor.
mulderfan, I like your idea of increasing NC with each offense. I will keep that in mind.
Thanks for your support.
I really hated the times EF would slip me some cash after he watched NM tear a strip off me: EF paying for NM's whipping post. Actually, it made me feel like her whore, because she could do whatever she wanted that made her happy, he would pay for it to make her happy, and I was to not only put up with it but be grateful for it AND love them in spite of it to make her happy.
I agree. For me the added kicker, he knew and denied it any way.
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