Quote of the day: "You just can't beat the person who never gives up" Babe Ruth
***May be triggering for some people.***
Suicide Awareness Day is a world wide effort to bring attention to an epidemic that spans the world.
http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/suicide-awareness-day
I first contemplated suicide in high school. I remember feeling a darkness that would fill my soul and block all hope. Usually at night, alone. Darkness of night crept into my mind until all light but the slightest pinprick was left. Morning would come and with it, hope. During these years I expressed my concern about feeling sad. This was met with ridicule, how dare I be sad when I had so much to be thankful for. By high school, my mind had already wiped out memories of my childhood. I couldn't disagree with no evidence. I lived in affluent neighborhood. I went to a good school. I had clothes to wear and food to eat. I learned quickly to hide my darker feelings. I also learned to hide my feelings from my friends. They felt bothered by some of my dark moods. I hid from family and friends. Switching in a split second, I could draw up what ever face required. I didn't even know that I did this. I asked my parents about some of the milder feelings I had. Mother's airy, "You are just like every other teenager exaggerating your feelings." None of my friends talked about having feelings like mine. I hid them. I felt shamed by them. I felt undeserving of living. Talk of suicides at schools was just beginning in the 70's. Viet Nam underscored that life was not all sweetness and light of a vapid TV show. However, a girl in comfortable circumstances had no right to complain.
Years passed, I secretly battled this secret obsession...always sitting on the fringe of my mind. Bringing children into this world heightened my need for suppressing dark thoughts. Mostly I did with the hustle and bustle of raising children. When my husband went on the road for one of his jobs, I was once again, alone at night. The darkness slipped back into my mind taking a larger and larger effort to suppress and beat back. Sleeping became difficult. The physical symptoms increased of PTSD, I had no name for it, I called it my shadow warrior that could beat me up and leave me unconscious. My health deteriorated. I couldn't care for my family. The thought insinuated into my mind that I first heard from my mother, the world would be a better place without me. I battled the feeling, for years. I chose counseling because my thoughts of suicide were gaining an upper-hand, but I felt too much shame to share my horrid thoughts. I hoped that some how counseling would help me communicate my fears and concerns to my husband and all would be right in my world. Counseling didn't work out quite that way. Instead of saving me from the dark thoughts, KavinCoach taught me to stand and face them. I didn't surprise my counselor often but he was surprised when he realized that my motivation was I loved my family, I was a burden so in my black and white thinking, I had a responsibility to remove the burden, me. His reaction reminded me a bit of the scrambling that occurs when a dog is running full tilt only to realize at the last second that the open door is closed. KavinCoach sat back and thought. The problem was different than he expected. He needed to teach me that I had value and worth. Task was difficult as the memories from my childhood ripped through the illusion that I was raised privileged...it was an illusion created to survive. I dug deep and learned that never giving up was my first step to learning to thrive. I was lied to, I did not deserve to die.
Suicide sometimes believed to be the last choice. This is another lie. In today's world, there are help phone lines, shelters, and other places that will reach out. Suicide touches just not their own life but the lives they least expect. If a friend speaks of suicide, don't dismiss it. However, hard to stop someone truly determined. I watched a life shatter because she couldn't understand why her love was not enough to keep her boyfriend from committing suicide. I would have lost out on so much if I gave into those dark thoughts. Please, suicide is never a choice that leads anywhere. If you are contemplating suicide, give yourself another chance, you are worth it.
In the United States call
Call us 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
***May be triggering for some people.***
Suicide Awareness Day is a world wide effort to bring attention to an epidemic that spans the world.
http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/suicide-awareness-day
I first contemplated suicide in high school. I remember feeling a darkness that would fill my soul and block all hope. Usually at night, alone. Darkness of night crept into my mind until all light but the slightest pinprick was left. Morning would come and with it, hope. During these years I expressed my concern about feeling sad. This was met with ridicule, how dare I be sad when I had so much to be thankful for. By high school, my mind had already wiped out memories of my childhood. I couldn't disagree with no evidence. I lived in affluent neighborhood. I went to a good school. I had clothes to wear and food to eat. I learned quickly to hide my darker feelings. I also learned to hide my feelings from my friends. They felt bothered by some of my dark moods. I hid from family and friends. Switching in a split second, I could draw up what ever face required. I didn't even know that I did this. I asked my parents about some of the milder feelings I had. Mother's airy, "You are just like every other teenager exaggerating your feelings." None of my friends talked about having feelings like mine. I hid them. I felt shamed by them. I felt undeserving of living. Talk of suicides at schools was just beginning in the 70's. Viet Nam underscored that life was not all sweetness and light of a vapid TV show. However, a girl in comfortable circumstances had no right to complain.
Years passed, I secretly battled this secret obsession...always sitting on the fringe of my mind. Bringing children into this world heightened my need for suppressing dark thoughts. Mostly I did with the hustle and bustle of raising children. When my husband went on the road for one of his jobs, I was once again, alone at night. The darkness slipped back into my mind taking a larger and larger effort to suppress and beat back. Sleeping became difficult. The physical symptoms increased of PTSD, I had no name for it, I called it my shadow warrior that could beat me up and leave me unconscious. My health deteriorated. I couldn't care for my family. The thought insinuated into my mind that I first heard from my mother, the world would be a better place without me. I battled the feeling, for years. I chose counseling because my thoughts of suicide were gaining an upper-hand, but I felt too much shame to share my horrid thoughts. I hoped that some how counseling would help me communicate my fears and concerns to my husband and all would be right in my world. Counseling didn't work out quite that way. Instead of saving me from the dark thoughts, KavinCoach taught me to stand and face them. I didn't surprise my counselor often but he was surprised when he realized that my motivation was I loved my family, I was a burden so in my black and white thinking, I had a responsibility to remove the burden, me. His reaction reminded me a bit of the scrambling that occurs when a dog is running full tilt only to realize at the last second that the open door is closed. KavinCoach sat back and thought. The problem was different than he expected. He needed to teach me that I had value and worth. Task was difficult as the memories from my childhood ripped through the illusion that I was raised privileged...it was an illusion created to survive. I dug deep and learned that never giving up was my first step to learning to thrive. I was lied to, I did not deserve to die.
Suicide sometimes believed to be the last choice. This is another lie. In today's world, there are help phone lines, shelters, and other places that will reach out. Suicide touches just not their own life but the lives they least expect. If a friend speaks of suicide, don't dismiss it. However, hard to stop someone truly determined. I watched a life shatter because she couldn't understand why her love was not enough to keep her boyfriend from committing suicide. I would have lost out on so much if I gave into those dark thoughts. Please, suicide is never a choice that leads anywhere. If you are contemplating suicide, give yourself another chance, you are worth it.
In the United States call
3 comments:
So glad to have you in my life, Ruth.
Thank you mulderfan. You make a difference to me.
"my motivation was I loved my family, I was a burden so in my black and white thinking, I had a responsibility to remove the burden, me."
Lots of people commit suicide out of despair, loss, and hurt.
But, I too, have always contimplated suicide as a way to remove the burden of me from people. I've been told, so often, in verbal and non-verbal ways that I am the problem. It's been implied, that if I wasn't in the way, everything would be OK. And as much as I fought these feelings, that it couldn't be true that just removing me would solve all the world's ills, it would creep up on me too. And I felt that maybe the most kind thing I could do would be to remove me from their lives. I realize how deluded and crazy that sounds. But it was deluded and crazy people who had convinced me it was true.
I've been working my way back from this thought. I continue to find value and worth in myself, that is defined by me and me alone.
Thanks for this post Ruth.
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