STOPP

(Stop, Think, Options, Plan, Plan working?)

STOPP Stop,Think, Observe, Plan, Proceed (Army)


http://www.get.gg/stopp.htm

Try not to act merely in the moment. Pull back from the situation. 

Take a wider view; compose yourself.

Stop and Step Back (from the situation, in your mind) Pause

Take a Breath

Observe

Pull Back - Put in some Perspective     

Practice what works

This acronym caught my attention. I thought of how many times when dealing with narcissistic people that part of the manipulation is in expecting a snap answer then changing what is requested part way through then changing it again until it is not what I agreed to do in the first place. An easy example, I was talking to a short lady that needed to go to a job interview and she lamented that her pants were too long.  I volunteered to shorten one pair of pants for her job interview.  When she brought me the pants plus 10 others with the comment than I could do these, too.  I am not too quick on these quick changes like this.  She left the pants with me.  I stopped.  I thought about what I agreed to do.  Observed her behavior.  I pulled back and hemmed 1 pair of pants as I had offered.  I called her and told her the pants were done.  She looked at all the others and asked me when I would get those done.  I told her that I wasn't.  I offered to help out with the job interview.  I wasn't going to do all of them.  She flounced out of the house.  I wish I could say it was the end but I wasn't in counseling yet and I was just starting to recognize narcissistic behavior.  I think this is one of the reasons that many ACoNs prefer all communication by email or snail mail.  This way there is written documentation for accountability and stopping the gas-lighting.  An email can be pulled up, examined, and reviewed.  An email can be shared with others for evidence of what they are saying.  If they deny writing it, you can send the email back to them so they can see what is written.  I am learning that when I am feeling steamed rolled by someone I need to stop and take a step back.  Take a breath and observe what is actually happening.  Pull back to get some perspective and then put into practice the healthy behaviors I learned in counseling.  Healthy boundaries, appropriate I statements, owning my own behavior, and general putting into practice the ways I now know that work for me.  I also remind myself it is to the advantage of the narcissistic to keep me off balance.  It is my responsibility to do what I need to do to keep myself safe and emotionally healthy.  If I choose to do something for them, it becomes about doing it because of who I am and not because of their demands. 

Stepping back changes my perspective