Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Learning to dream

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.

No easy task. I spent most of my life with nightmares.  As far back as I can remember I've had them.  My counselor over 5 years ago was trying to get me to have a dream that I could grab on to, embrace pursue.  I looked at him blankly.  I could not imagine what he was talking about.  I felt less than clueless.  (Is that even possible?) 

Abuse steals dreams.  PTSD bars the way.  Taking back the control of my life wresting the reigns of my life from PTSD's clutches is a work in progress.  I lived with PTSD from the time I was 5 years old.  I didn't have a name for it until I was 45 years old.  I remember in 8th grade writing a report that I wanted to be an interior designer.  My glimmer of a dream was stomped out completely.  I knew that dreams get destroyed....what could I dream of that wouldn't turn to dust?  What could my passion be? I love photography but too much pressure and I cave completely...I'm terrible at being a business woman so no photography career.  I watched the high school students share their dream job....did any one squash their dreams?  Did the reality and hardships of achieving their dreams cause them to give up on their dreams? 

One of the symptoms of PTSD is the sense and feeling of doom.  I didn't believe I would live long enough to graduate.  I'm a grandmother.  I am starting to dream small.  This summer...I am learning to cook.  Yes, I raised 6 children but cooking was always fast, cheap and easy.  Perhaps just a little dream of a beautiful chocolate cake not made by Betty Crocker but by me.

Thriving is having dreams.  

Hopefully the link will work for you.  Be from Jonathan Livingston Seagull sung by Neil Diamond.

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