Evaluating the year
Years ago I gave up making New Years resolution since by January 7th I usually broken every one of them. I tried setting goals but that doesn't seem to work for me either. I tried and failed almost every organizing, goal setting, get on the right track program that has ever been invented. Until 7 years ago, I was told and believed that I just didn't have staying power or determination or what ever it takes to get things done. Then I started counseling. My world was turned upside down and inside out. What I believed about myself, my past, and everything I knew was rearranged. This was not a bad thing. I was totally messed up and had no idea what was wrong until KavinCoach let me know there was more to life than surviving ~ there is a thing called THRIVING. For the past 2 years I have been integrated, I still struggle with setting goals, being organized, or getting things done. I really thought that with integration I would become a fully functioning Type A personality. It didn't happen. I am fully integrated but after 2 years I am still trying to figure out what makes me tick. Talking to my new counselor I reviewed a list of life goals I had written in high school. To my astonishment, I have achieved over half my goals. I also learned this year that I have a great deal of determination that is how I finished my degree after 30 years of school while raising 6 kids, I wrote a book and 2 blogs, and integrated. I am learning with more research about PTSD and dissociation that integration is a really big thing. I am so used to being told that my goals are not of value I didn't recognize them as being of value or worth. upsi wrote in her blog today about having her own feelings. (http://upsi-upsi.blogspot.com/2010/12/make-it-your-own.html) She landed right in the middle of why I was so discouraged today. I keep trying to be someone else to satisfy another person. Living life as a multiple never allowed me to figure out what I wanted or felt. The very essence of switching to a different personality was to be able to cope with someone else's standard. As I evaluate this year, I need to consider what is important to me. So for review one, I am excited about staying integrated for another year and learning more about thriving. I had events this year that put me through enough stress that if I was going to go back to switching I would have done it. (In fact, there were a few days I really wished I could have switched but I didn't.) Sometimes maintaining a goal I already accomplished is important. For me, maintaining integration is one of my successes this year.
Years ago I gave up making New Years resolution since by January 7th I usually broken every one of them. I tried setting goals but that doesn't seem to work for me either. I tried and failed almost every organizing, goal setting, get on the right track program that has ever been invented. Until 7 years ago, I was told and believed that I just didn't have staying power or determination or what ever it takes to get things done. Then I started counseling. My world was turned upside down and inside out. What I believed about myself, my past, and everything I knew was rearranged. This was not a bad thing. I was totally messed up and had no idea what was wrong until KavinCoach let me know there was more to life than surviving ~ there is a thing called THRIVING. For the past 2 years I have been integrated, I still struggle with setting goals, being organized, or getting things done. I really thought that with integration I would become a fully functioning Type A personality. It didn't happen. I am fully integrated but after 2 years I am still trying to figure out what makes me tick. Talking to my new counselor I reviewed a list of life goals I had written in high school. To my astonishment, I have achieved over half my goals. I also learned this year that I have a great deal of determination that is how I finished my degree after 30 years of school while raising 6 kids, I wrote a book and 2 blogs, and integrated. I am learning with more research about PTSD and dissociation that integration is a really big thing. I am so used to being told that my goals are not of value I didn't recognize them as being of value or worth. upsi wrote in her blog today about having her own feelings. (http://upsi-upsi.blogspot.com/2010/12/make-it-your-own.html) She landed right in the middle of why I was so discouraged today. I keep trying to be someone else to satisfy another person. Living life as a multiple never allowed me to figure out what I wanted or felt. The very essence of switching to a different personality was to be able to cope with someone else's standard. As I evaluate this year, I need to consider what is important to me. So for review one, I am excited about staying integrated for another year and learning more about thriving. I had events this year that put me through enough stress that if I was going to go back to switching I would have done it. (In fact, there were a few days I really wished I could have switched but I didn't.) Sometimes maintaining a goal I already accomplished is important. For me, maintaining integration is one of my successes this year. 
2 comments:
You are a truly amazing person, Ruth!
I try to accomplish one small thing each day, sometimes it's as simple as a domestic chore I've been avoiding like cleaning out the fridge! If it doesn't get done I no longer beat myself up. I used to be that type A you mentioned and I made myself and others miserable! (The fridge was spotless!)
Now I know that the fridge will still be there tomorrow and each day gives me a chance to begin again.
I joke that I keep my culture in my refrigerator. It has also been the source of more than one science project. :)
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