Friday, December 10, 2010

Massive change

I am going to state this up front.  I hate change.  Good change - bad change - I don't care why change, I don't want to do it.  Then it happens and I cope and then I wonder why I was so worried.  Then I remember some of the more spectacular changes, like they day I was told, "You have cancer."  9 years clear of cancer and I still remember the gut wrenching terror of those words.  I have moved cross country several times.  For about 7 years, we moved every summer.  Each time learning to adapt to a new environment takes time for me.  I married a person that likes abrupt changes, instant answers and can walk into almost any situation and be comfortable.  That is not me.  For years, I could give the illusion of an abrupt change.  If you ever watch Sybil or are acquainted with a multiple personality, an emotional trigger can turn them instantly into a different person.  From my perspective, switching personality was the ultimate form of hiding from change even though I didn't know I did it.  Then integration happened.  I chose it.  I wanted to be healthy and healthy people do not switch personalities to hide from changes or consequences.  So now, I am faced with a massive change for me.  KavinCoach is moving to another place and job.  I am happy for him and hope the very best for him.  I can't switch to cope with this change for me.  I have now met several times with my new counselor.  Unsure, frightened, and wondering what am I looking for or waiting for...  I finally realized that for so many years I was told what to think, feel and be that the very concept of what do I want is difficult to wrap my mind around.  Today I finally figured out what I am trying to understand - do I actually want to talk to this new counselor?  KavinCoach was way different.  My husband and I went together for marriage counseling and I had no idea that I was the biggest problem.  Discussions started slowly.  Finding out I had no memory of my childhood gave me no clue as to what I was about to enter the toughest problem of my life.  Cancer was a piece of cake compared to what I learned in KavinCoach's office.  The bottom line is I want to continue to change into a healthy adult with all the responsibilities, choices, and challenges that go with that role.  I still have several really big holes in my understanding about life and how healthy adults behave.  I continue to need a second opinion that is healthy and not too close to the problems I face.  The new counselor seems willing to talk to me and has already made some excellent points that I need to consider in my every day life.  (I still tend to say I 'have' to do something when in reality I am choosing to do it.  He pointed out that this is a significant difference.  KavinCoach has told me the same thing.)  I realized today that I am at the peaceful place of seeing a massive change and feeling like I can move forward.  I will not curl up in a little ball and give up.  I will find this new path as interesting as the one I just left.  Massive change happens and I can cope with it.     
   

4 comments:

Laurel Hawkes said...

Yes.

mulderfan said...

I had to change counselors a number of years ago when mine moved. I had a great relationship with the first one but I was beginning to be almost too "comfortable" with her. The new counselor brought a different perspective and challenged me in different ways. I began to understand that unless I was challenged there was no change.

Shortly before I "graduated" from my support group the counselor who led the group began to put me in the position of challenging others in the group. He did this because he recognized how I avoided what I perceived as conflict. This, of course, was really MY final challenge!

At the get-together for my "graduation" the man I had pushed hardest with my challenges came up and thanked me for "calling him on his bullshit"! He said it changed his life! Then one by one the others thanked me too.

I've since been invited to act as a volunteer in the same support group.

I think a new counselor will be a great step forward for you, Ruth. New challenges, new growth!

Ruth said...

Thanks Laurel.

Mulderfan I appreciate you sharing your perspective. It has given me a lot to think about. I am still looking forward to "graduation".

Ami said...

Go you!