Thursday, December 12, 2013

Mistakes were made

So many times I wish I could’ve lived my life without making mistakes. In reality, a path like that doesn’t exist. We fall. We get lost. We make mistakes. We get up and LIVE! — Unknown
This link no longer exists....someone on there webpage was naughty and the sight revoked their usage.  I'll miss the daily quotes.

One of the monster triggers I had when I started counseling was my absolute terror of making the slightest mistake.  My constant apologies and doubling my effort to perform everything perfectly paralyzed me and made me very annoying to be around.  Before counseling, Flylady started teaching me the 'evils' of perfectionism. She started FLY (Finally Loving Yourself) washing me with articles like this one:
I tried following her ideas but stumbled when I couldn't do it perfectly.

My extreme reaction to mistakes was way outside what anyone would term 'normal'.  (Have I mentioned lately that 'normal' is a setting on a drier.)  I would actually go into a panic attack over slight errors.  In the process to calm myself down about making a mistake I learned how to do Soduku puzzles.  I had the clear understanding if I made a mistake I could put a big "X" across the page rather than erasing it to do it again until I got it done 'perfectly.'  I worked at teaching myself that a mistake is OK...not the end of the world...not a punishable offense.

Last week, I received an advertisement in my email telling me that my old job was looking for an employee in the position I was laid off from 5 years ago.  I applied.  I woke in a panic in the morning.  While I was sleeping, I realized I may have changed but the job atmosphere had not.  I could read it in the way it wrote its own job description.  In the bright light of morning, I recognized that I did not want to work there.  I was blessed by an email informing me that I was not the person they were looking for.  Timing told me that the computer made their decision for them while they were sleeping.  I was so relieved to read the rejection email.  At first I felt I made a terrible mistake in applying at all.  Friends assured me that it is not a big deal and applying gave me a bit of practice in the application process.  I appreciated the support from several wonderful people.  About the same time, my sister posted a Facebook poster reminding me to stop knocking on a door that God had closed.  I realized that I blamed myself for the situation at my old job.  If I hadn't been in counseling, if I hadn't been so afraid to change, if I hadn't or had done this or that......after applying to my old job I realized the whole mess was not about me.  I was a small pawn caught in a power play between warring fractions. A wonderful gift to me was to be let go.  I finished my Photography degree.  It wasn't until I applied that I realized I had been looking over my shoulder wishing I did things differently.  I went to work feeling lifted and refreshed and looking forward instead of back.  It really put me under a lot of pressure to apply (Thanks Judy for the last minute editing) but like a wrecking ball the experience cleared away old debris.  I am glad I applied and I am even happier they said, "No, thank you."

What were you thinking?


Janet said...

so glad it cleared out the debris of past wondering!

Ruth said...

Me too, Janet.