This time of year is super tough for me. From Thanksgiving through New Years are a billion triggers. (OK a billion may be exaggerating, maybe only a million.) For the last 3 weeks I cried about something almost every day. A little over a week ago, I was crying so hard I couldn't drive to work and called in sick. I sent two emails to my counselor and he came across as super busy so I didn't feel like I could contact him. Finally, talked with him last Thursday. Again I was crying during the session. He asked me what it was all about; I didn't know. He asked me a series of questions trying to help me figure out why I was crying. He asked me if I was in despair or hopeless; no to both of those. Did I feel far away from my Heavenly Father? No, I actually experienced several things where I feel particularly close to Him and my Savior Jesus Christ. I feel like I am being watched over and loved from above. I am still crying. I explain that the crying feels different than what I experienced before. MyCounselor pointed out that I may be grieving which is very important process and I need to go through. I couldn't quite wrap my mind around what he was trying to say to me. So I focused on the crying itself. How do I feel when I am crying? I realized what was new about the crying is my heart doesn't feel raw. To me, feeling raw is feeling like your heart and soul has taken a beating emotionally. Despair, hopelessness, fear, anger are all part of this raw feeling. The crying now feels sad but hopeful, confused but not despairing, the only word I could come up with is tender. I feel tenderhearted. From the online dictionary I found this definition:
easily moved to love, pity, or sorrow : compassionate, impressionable
I spent many years protecting my heart and often refused to expose myself emotionally. I avoided tenderhearted... it scared me because I felt I was so vulnerable when I am tenderhearted. MyCounselor suggested that I am able to feel what I am feeling because I am healing and allowing myself to soften my heart. He said a lot more stuff that I am trying to process and wrap my mind around. I'll write more as a process what I am feeling.