Sunday, December 22, 2013

Raw vs tender

This time of year is super tough for me.  From Thanksgiving through New Years are a billion triggers. (OK a billion may be exaggerating, maybe only a million.)  For the last 3 weeks I cried about something almost every day.  A little over a week ago, I was crying so hard I couldn't drive to work and called in sick.  I sent two emails to my counselor and he came across as super busy so I didn't feel like I could contact him.  Finally, talked with him last Thursday.  Again I was crying during the session.  He asked me what it was all about; I didn't know.  He asked me a series of questions trying to help me figure out why I was crying.  He asked me if I was in despair or hopeless; no to both of those.  Did I feel far away from my Heavenly Father?  No, I actually experienced several things where I feel particularly close to Him and my Savior Jesus Christ.  I feel like I am being watched over and loved from above.  I am still crying.  I explain that the crying feels different than what I experienced before.  MyCounselor pointed out that I may be grieving which is very important process and I need to go through.  I couldn't quite wrap my mind around what he was trying to say to me.  So I focused on the crying itself.  How do I feel when I am crying?  I realized what was new about the crying is my heart doesn't feel raw.  To me, feeling raw is feeling like your heart and soul has taken a beating emotionally.  Despair, hopelessness, fear, anger are all part of this raw feeling.  The crying now feels sad but hopeful, confused but not despairing, the only word I could come up with is tender.  I feel tenderhearted.  From the online dictionary I found this definition:  
easily moved to love, pity, or sorrow :  compassionate, impressionable
I spent many years protecting my heart and often refused to expose myself emotionally.  I avoided tenderhearted... it scared me because I felt I was so vulnerable when I am tenderhearted.  MyCounselor suggested that I am able to feel what I am feeling because I am healing and allowing myself to soften my heart.  He said a lot more stuff that I am trying to process and wrap my mind around.  I'll write more as a process what I am feeling.  



Janet said...

glad you were able to connect with your counselor. Sounds like interesting insights...

Unknown said...

Hello Ruth.’ Raw verses tender’ is a perfect title (tender has several meanings). Although physical scars/ broken bones do heal, scars remain tender to the touch and bones are weaker and sometimes painful. Stress has the same effect on emotional scars. I can relate, I become very angry and irritable when I am stressed.

Be gentle with yourself and everything will be OK.

With love,

Ruth said...

Thanks Janet.

Collen I am working on being kind to myself and accepting that tenderness is not a weakness. Thank you for your kind comment.

TR said...

That is a beautiful message. That is great you are being kind to yourself and accepting the strength in tenderness. xxTR

Ruth said...

Thank you T Reddy.