Obedience becomes a barrier

"The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: decide what you want."
- Ben Stein

I was raised with a baffling mixture of no rules or extreme rules depending on the day and the mood of my mother.  Over all, absolute obedience was drummed into my life.  I remember her telling me situations where children died because of disobedience.  This fear of disobeying was escalated by the pedophile that threatened the lives of my younger brother and sister if I did not obey him in every way.  I learned perfect obedience unfortunately in the process I did not learn how to lead, not even my own life.  I struggle with knowing what my dream is.  What do I want to accomplish with my life?  I can obey but how do I choose?  How do I even know?  I want to decide what I want to do with my life but what do I do when I don't have someone telling me what to do?  Early in my counseling I remember KavinCoach asked me what I wanted.  I looked at him puzzled, wondering if this was some kind of trick question.  I asked then if that was an option.  He assured me that it was.  I am still struggling with the same question....what do I want?  The theme of my year is the best is yet to come.  Will I recognize it if lands in my lap?  Will I know what it is without someone telling me?  I excel at following orders.  My life is a bit more troublesome deciding what I want.  Perhaps I need an addendum to my theme...the best is yet to come when I know what it is.