Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Am I committed?

Am I committed to myself?  Do I set a goal then put as much effort into achieving the goal as I would the goals I have set at work?  One of the blogs pointed out that integrity to fellow persons seems to be easier than integrity to myself. (Might have been Judy or better man project.) I am taking a 30 day challenge to exercise 15 minutes a day and post on my PTSD blog.  I am finding every excuse in the book why I can't do this.  I'm suddenly 10 times more tired than I have been.  I keep trying to weasel out of it.  I seem to forget that lying to myself is just dumb because I know it is a lie.  Really....(yup sarcasm.)  Why do I believe it is so hard for me to keep a commitment to myself?  As soon as I posed the question, my mind popped out, "You don't deserve it."  Wow, the crux of not meeting my own goals and needs, there is a place in my head that clings to the old worn out insult, I don't deserve it.  I don't deserve to be treated with respect.  I don't deserve to have a space I enjoy and consider mine.  I don't deserve to have my needs met.  I haven't done enough to deserve it.  There it is like Gollum slinking in to a party uninvited, the ugly tired old lies that still haunt me.  Wow. 

I did miss one day of exercise and the next day I realized that I was sick.  I worked out on the elliptical and heard that raspy type breathing caused by congestion in my lungs.  Rested yesterday and took it easy today.  I am sticking to the writing part of the challenge.  Interesting now that I am writing two different blog posts I notice that the ideas from one, influence what I write in the other.  I working on the idea that there is a hidden challenge.  The declared challenge is daily 15 minutes of exercise and a PTSD blog post.  The hidden challenge is to commit to meeting my goals for 30 days.  I think the last one is the toughest of all.

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