Thursday, September 4, 2014

Memories are like some people...

They are part of your past.
Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny. ~ Steve Maraboli

Memories haunt and torment.  I am terrified of my own.  KavinCoach would remind me, "If you lived through it, you can remember it."  I struggle with feelings that are difficult to separate from the memories.  Much like it is difficult to separate some emotions from people in my life.  I don't know how to explain how tangled a relationship can become with an abuser.  Stockholm affect and battered wife syndrome attempt to describe what is observed in some survivors.  Victims relying on and protecting their abuser.  Lying becomes a way of living and difficult to separate reality from the complex entanglement.  At some point, for things to change, the victim has to change.  The abuser has no reason to.  They are the ones that appear to have the power.  They persuaded the victim to give their power away.  Easy to do to a child or a person that doesn't believe they have any power in the first place.  I locked away my memories. Lots and lots of them.  I saw no point of remembering things I could not change.  They are not part of my future.  But my memories don't want to be left in the dark.  Nagging like a tooth ache.  My relationship with my past memories is as complex as my relationship with my abusers.  The pedophile is dead.  What happened with him, haunts me.  For 5 years I kept it locked away.  I don't get why now my memories stepped up a campaign to be acknowledge.  I feel a lot of confusion because the one I am trying to walk way from is myself. 


Judy said...

The battle for the truth never ends.

mulderfan said...

When alcoholics get sober they often relapse because they are overwhelmed with emotions and memories they never had to deal with when they were drinking.

Daily black out drinking was my strategy of choice to suppress the thoughts I didn't want to face. When I sobered up there they were waiting for me.

From my experience with alcoholics, finally facing these disturbing thoughts might take place immediately or after a delay of weeks, months or even years. We call it PAWS Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome.

Your mind might be saying "Ruth it's time." and if it is, IMO, you're ready to do this!

Stealing the quote for FB!

Ruth said...

Amen Judy.

mulderfan I think I got that quote from Facebook to begin with. Pass it along. :)
Thanks for the reminder that it is my time.