Sunday, September 14, 2014

Angry with God

One of the blogs I follow tackled this feeling:

My sister and I talked about this on many occasions.  During our Saturday walks, we call those walks Sister Therapy, we share our ideas on any subject we wish to discuss.  We enjoy lively conversations.  Often we discuss our relationship with Heavenly Father and our firm belief in Jesus Christ as our Savior.  We are both aware that talking about our anger a taboo subject in most circles.  I'm sharing my perspective and some of it will sound like my sister's perspective because we discussed it together.

Everything in my memory told me that I always believed in God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ.  I believe the Holy Ghost is as real as anything I can touch with my hand.  I believe in miracles.  I rephrase that, I rely on miracles.  I appreciate the many blessings I enjoy.  Sometimes I feel angry with God.  It wasn't until I was in counseling that I understood that anger is a secondary emotion.  My counselor taught me that hurt, fear, or frustration came first.  I have been hurt by what I felt was Heavenly Father not answering my prayers.  I felt fear that Heavenly Father didn't love me because of things I had done.  I felt frustration that what I thought were righteous petitions to the Lord were completely ignored.  I would get pissed off when people would piously tell me that God didn't give me what I asked for because He had something better for me.  What could be better than asking to be a good mother?  I spent 7 years struggling to be up more than 20 minutes a day while raising our children.  As I lay helplessly in bed, I was angry with God for not listening to my pleadings for strength.  My children cooked, cleaned, helped each other while I looked helplessly on.  I was so angry with God, I refused to read the scriptures, the only told me more things I wasn't doing and felt like a greater condemnation.  I didn't pray....what was the point He wasn't giving me what I asked for?  It was a dark, dark time. 

I was blessed in my early twenties when God touched my heart and reassured me that He loved me.  I didn't know at the time why this was so important for me to know.  I had an experience that I never doubted was a loving spirit wrapping me in arms I could feel but not see and hearing in my head. "My precious Ruth, you know I love you."  The next question left me troubled, "Are you going to help me?"  I felt again, "No, you are doing just fine."  This tender moment is when I understood that Heavenly Father's definition of fine and mine do NOT match.  I am studying the scriptures once again with an eye for how God interacts with His children.  My buddy Job, Joseph sold into Egypt, Ruth, Naomi, Esther, many of the prophets all had really tough lives.  Apostle Paul expresses his understanding that he has a thorn in his side that God is not removing. 

2 Corinthians 12:6-9
 For though I would desire to glory, I shall not be a fool; for I will say the truth: but now I forbear, lest any man should think of me above that which he seeth me to be, or that he heareth of me.
 And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.
 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.
 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

I figured if Paul was going to be stuck with a thorn there was little hope for me to be rid of whatever pulled me so low.  I am not to the point of what Paul felt and glory in my infirmities.  Mental illness sucks so does cancer.  I feel angry.  My opinion, Heavenly Father can cope with me being angry.  I can rant and rave and tell Him exactly how I feel.  I like what Judy said, "God knows exactly how we feel any way, telling Him won't change it."  In my truth campaign, I am being honest with myself and God and tell Him exactly how I feel.  I feel broken, tired, frustrated beyond words, scared, lifeless, discouraged, and a whole host of feelings that sum up to feeling miserable.  He listens to my out pourings then blesses me with a spectacular sunrise.  It wasn't the blessing I was looking for it was the blessing I needed.  I have another day to try again.  I have another day to seek for and find the answers I am looking for.  I have another day to comfort others.  I have another day. 

Heavenly Father loves me so much that if I was the only one in the world He would still send His only Begotten Son Jesus Christ to die for me.  The rest is working out the details of living.  On this journey I learned to listen to the Holy Spirit to find answer that my young 20 year old self had no idea I was looking for.  My path in life is much different than I thought it would be.  My expectations of the strength I would find is so different.  I now know the difference between strength of body and strength of spirit.  I am blessed with more of both.  I can rage at Heavenly Father and he blesses me any way.  I can feel alone but Christ never leaves me. The Holy Spirit will guide me to places of peace that I never knew existed.  God is OK with me being angry as long as I can keep talking to Him and working through my hurt, fear and frustration.  When I am ready to accept, He will send His peace unto me.  He teaches me line upon line.

Isaiah 28:9-13
 ¶Whom shall he teach knowledge? and whom shall he make to understand doctrine? them that are weaned from the milk, and drawn from the breasts.
 10 For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little:
 11 For with stammering lips and another tongue will he speak to this people.
 12 To whom he said, This is the rest wherewith ye may cause the weary to rest; and this is the refreshing: yet they would not hear.
 13 But the word of the Lord was unto them precept upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little; that they might go, and fall backward, and be broken, and snared, and taken.

A New Dawn

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