Friday, September 26, 2014

Tell me one thing that I do which makes your mental health worse?

  This is a series of post answering questions posed by Kevin's daughter.  I asked permission to answer each of these questions as if I was answering my adult children.  I will also include a link to Kevin's answer. (I don't read his blog until after I write mine.)

9. Tell me one thing that I do which makes your mental health worse?

Again like yesterday, my mental health is my responsibility.   I've thought over this and reconsidered and rewritten this answer 50 times.  I finally decided that the thing that would make my life worse is if I am not held accountable for my behavior.  I watched the destructiveness of "I feel sorry for her so I won't say anything about her bad behavior, that is just the way she is."  Several destructive things happen, I don't have an opportunity to change my behavior, you will feel more and more resentment, and I am on a truth campaign.  I want to know the truth about my life.  I want to improve my behavior.   I know it is hard to comprehend that I don't always know what I am doing.  Holding me accountable gives me an opportunity to do things differently.   I want to know if I said something unkind or careless.  I want to be aware of how I come across to someone else.  I won't be able to mentally process some things that you take for granted.  Feeling emotions is still fairly new to me.  I admit that a big part of my truth campaign is to search out and find ways to improve my interactions with those that I love and anyone else that encounters me.  I want a second chance to be a better person.  I don't want to be shunted aside with "She's crazy, she can't do any better." Yes I have mental illness, yes it sucks, yes it interferes with my life, yes the symptoms can get worse, but I feel much worse if I hurt those I love and don't realize it because nobody told me.  Please, give me a second chance, I won't waste it.  I know that you are so patient with me.  I spent years not knowing what I was fighting.  All of you kids suffered consequences of me handling my problems badly.  I am learning from counselors, articles, blogs, books, and other sources what challenges I have. Give me a chance to be the parent I want to be as often as possible.  I know I'll mess up.  I know I will need to apologize.  However, I don't believe saying, "I have PTSD" is a get out of jail free card.  Saying, "I have PTSD" means I need to work harder to overcome what is weighing me down.  I am going back into counseling because PTSD is getting the upper hand.  I need more tools and strategies to be the person I want to be.  PTSD does not define me.  PTSD is a challenge in my life but the me I want you to know is the warming loving person that thinks it a miracle that you are in my life.

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