Friday, July 27, 2012

Emotional Distance

"The indispensable first step to getting things you want out of life is this: decide what you want."
- Ben Stein



I have come full circle.  June 26 I wrote a post on Emotional Safetyhttp://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/2012/06/emotional-safety.html  I explored it for several posts.  I realize now that the reason I do not understand emotional safety because emotional distant was how I lived every day.  If I didn't allow myself to get emotionally close to someone, you never know if they are emotionally safe or not.  My own earliest memory is from a flashback of nearly drowning in a bathtub.  The location of the flashback was where I lived when I was under 5 years old.  Then there were years of physical and sexual abuse to contend with.  I am starting to understand that if you never feel physically safe, emotionally safe is for 'normies' (people that lead normal lives.)  Just a side note: I am learning that everyone has challenges of one form or another not many 'normies'.  Brought this up with NewCounselor tonight.  I complained about not even feeling safe with myself.  A flashback is not an emotionally safe activity.  NewCounselor than challenged me with how often do I feel in control of myself.  I said higher than 90%.  He told me that most people are happy with 80%.  Really...I hadn't thought about the possibility that I had set myself an impossibly high standard again.   Ok if mostly I am a nice person and keep my emotions under control then I can feel safe with myself.  Kind of cool to think about it.  I feel as if I lifted a huge burden off my shoulders.  I know that I will always stay alert to possible triggers but overall I can relax and enjoy living.  I learned through these past few weeks there are quite a few people that I feel safe with.  I am also learning that part of the reason I ended up in the company of unsafe people was because in my teen years, I was told that a guy puts a lot of courage into asking a girl out.  I was cautioned not to hurt their feelings.  If I didn't feel safe with them, that didn't matter.  I taught my kids if you do not feel comfortable being hugged by someone, don't.  At huge family gatherings, my kids did not have to hug relatives that they barely knew.  I didn't do everything right all the time, but I did teach my kids that they decide who they are comfortable with.  That is when it clicked, people that are emotionally safe, I feel comfortable with them.  If I stop feeling comfortable around a person because of something they did or just a feeling then I shouldn't be around them; I listen to me.  I decide who in my life is safe and who is not.  Unsafe people, where possible, I stay away from them.  If I can't do that with physical distance then I can certainly do it with healthy boundaries.  I love boundaries. 


Toss the dice and hope I am lucky with new people in my life.

2 comments:

mulderfan said...

When I went back to England with my parents for the 1st time in 20 years, they were furious if I didn't hug and kiss relatives I didn't even remember. Forget the fact, they already knew I was really shy with strangers, they yelled at me for being cold and embarrassing them. Fun trip!

Love constantly finding out that I'm not the one who's weird!

Laurel Hawkes said...

80%? Really? Wow. What a warped sense we were raised with, because I was thinking the goal was to reach 100%. 99% was never good enough either. The focus would be on the 1% missed and now to make sure it never happened again.

By the way, luck has nothing to do with it. It's a lot of hard work, and you're doing it.