Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Still bugs me


 Warning this post is a rant.....if you are in a place today that reading my rant is not helpful to you, skip this post.  Hug a friend or a pet, watch a favorite movie....storms pass, sun still shines behind the clouds.  I put the rant below the picture. 





I thought I was over feeling bugged by people doubting my version of my childhood.  I'm not.  I started seeing a new counselor, she asked me if someone believes what I was telling her.  At the time I calmly answered, "Yes, my first counselor and my sister."  There are a lot more besides that, like the 12 jurors that put him in prison, but I realized in thinking it over and over that this counselor doesn't believe me.  I was terribly depressed yesterday, and binged on chocolate last night.  Yes, if I get enough chocolate it will do a chemical magic that I actually do feel better.  I also slept on the couch with a light on and had a rough night sleep.  People don't want to believe that people exist that chose evil.  Chose to intentionally harm as many people as possible. People that want to see others surfer and revel in that suffering.  People that purposely pick children to torment because they feel bigger and stronger.  Bullies that are looking for victims not a fight.  People don't want to believe that mothers and fathers exist that set out to destroy their own offspring through their own cruelty.  Best trick of the century is the world trying to say no evil exists.  Harry Potter movie the Sorcerer's Stone portrays this with Voldermorts statement. 

Quirrell's lesson from Voldemort, as told to Harry:
"There is no good and evil, there is only power...and those too weak to seek it." 
http://www.hp-lexicon.org/wizards/voldemortsez.htm

People make excuses for abusers for example, "They didn't know they were hurting you."  "They had a hard life."  "They don't know any better." Shit, shit and more shit......yea sometimes I have done things that I didn't recognize harmed someone else.  When I realized, I apologized.  Having a hard life does not excuse poor behavior.  Every morning I wake up and can choose today how I will behave.  They don't know better because it is convenient not to learn anything else.  Filled with pride and seething with resentment shuts down the mind to where no learning can occur.  Yea, the crap in my life really happened.  Nobody can make me deny it because it is uncomfortable for them.  

6 comments:

jessie said...

I believe you Ruth. And I think you need a new counselor.

Can you imagine if someone who committed a murder used "I had a bad childhood" as an excuse? No one would ever buy that crap. Or if a man beat his wife, no one says "well, he loves you underneath it all." There is such a mythology around "family" people are unwilling to face. I think people are so attached to the idea that family = security, they are terrified to think that they might not have that to fall back on.
Not all parents are good. Not everyone has "best intentions". Not everyone is someone who does better, once they know better. Many, many people hurt others because it makes them feel better. And continuing to make excuses for abuse only makes the victim feel worse.
Hugs.

Judy said...

How frustrating. Hang in there!

mulderfan said...

Shocking and hurtful to have a professional say such a thing. Walk away, Ruth, knowing there are lots of us that believe you, love you and admire your courage for telling the truth.

TR said...

That is awful that professional behaved this way. I am with you and believe you and in you.

Ruth said...

Thank you everyone. I appreciate all your support.

Tundra Woman said...

Ruth, I just saw this. I am so very, very sorry. I agree, FWIW. Run, don't walk away from this mess. You just started with her. I can't believe she's doubting you already and clearly conveying this to you-HUH?
I'm furious for you, Ruth. This is beyond invalidation to potentially re-traumatizing the already traumatized.
Again, I'm so sorry Ruth. For sure there are evil people out there and those who enable them are every bit the same, IMO.
TW