Messed up Moms part 2

Interesting thing...I find it easier to write about myself than I do my mom.  When I started counseling over 7 years ago I thought I had an OK relationship with my mom.  I figured everyone had problems getting along with parents.  When I finally started talking, I talked for 2 years once a week trying to wrap my mind around my relationship with my mom.  Memories were so fragmented.  Emotions ran high.  Only a few things really stood out in my mind.  One thing I do remember is my mother's mother came to live with us.  After meeting her, I became a lot more impressed with how well my mother treated me in comparison.  BUT... there is that nasty word.  After talking so long to my counselor he explained several things to me that rocked my world.  (Please note, in my opinion, counseling is not for the faint of heart.)  I would remember what I thought was a fairly 'normal' childhood memory and KavinCoach would try to draw out exactly what I could remember.  I learned to recognize a certain look of what I was saying really bothered him.  I became careful not to look at him so I would not apologize for telling him what I remembered.  He used words like enmeshed, treated as a second class citizen, neglect, and a whole lot more that I wanted to put my hands over my ears and scream, no My mother loved me.  She said so.  Reality doesn't always match fantasy.  Feeding a child and giving them a place to sleep does not constitute nurturing.  From the age of 5, I was on the look out for a new mother.  The reason I know this is my mother complained bitterly at my rejection.  Fragments and pieces are still unclear to me.  The bottom line for KavinCoach was that if I was a child telling him these things he would not be teaching me how to cope, he would have arranged to take me out of my home.  Why should I feel hurt that I was neglected enough to have a pro-family counselor wanting to take me out of that environment?  Then next thing he told me was the story in the New Testament of the Widow's mite.  Christ is at the temple and points to a widow that drops the tiniest bit of money in the offerings plate.  Christ praised the widow for giving all she had.  The Levites, lived off the offerings given.  KavinCoach asked me,  "What would happen to the Levites if the only offerings they received was from the widow?"  I responded slowly, "They would starve."  I recognized that my mother felt she did the best she could, but with her own impoverished state of not being nurtured, she had very little to offer me.  So why do I still struggle?  My mother was told repeatedly that she needed to get counseling by her medical doctors.  She would go once or twice and then quit.  When I asked about it she has given me a variety of reasons and excuses.  I asked KavinCoach why he was trying to help me understand from my mother's perspective.  I didn't understand for a long time.  Recently, I think finally got it.  For years, KavinCoach has tried to release me from the responsibility I felt I had to make my mother happy.  After all, I was her daughter, so that meant I should help her and take care of her.  I didn't see what KavinCoach saw that I had to let go of pleasing a person that was so unhappy within herself.  It was an impossible task.  I started to grieve for a mother I never had.  I am working on accepting the person that did the best she knew how.  But she does not define me.  I decide who I am and what is good enough.  I decide if what I do is a caring, loving approach.  KavinCoach released me from the distorted burden of parenting my mother. 

Now when I read about others choosing to go No Contact with a parent, I see both sides now.   I see my side of struggling so much to become a mother that my kids could be proud of and want a relationship.  I see my mother leaning so heavily on me that all I want to do is run away...far, far away.  I have a responsibility to take care of and protect me.  Then if I choose to be with my mom, I can choose that with the clear understanding that she can not nurture me.  I let go of my fantasy.   

Messed up Moms

I decided to do this as a 2 part entry otherwise it would be just too darn long.   I am first going to share the challenges I faced as a Mom that due to learned patterns I made many poor choices in raising my kids.  Part 2 is the challenges I am still facing with interacting with my own Mom.  I wish many times that things could be different but life does not have an edit>undo.  All you can do is make course corrections and sometimes a lot of apologies and plenty of changes that stay.

Some of my children read this blog so I am going to say upfront how thankful I am that they have stuck with me through so much that was not their doing.   I sometimes believe that before they were born God asked for some volunteers to help out a really messed up lady.  Their encouragement and love has helped make my integration possible.  Many days when I couldn't believe in myself, they were my inspiration to keep going.  

PTSD at a severe level, DID, MPD are all names for the same thing, as a child I suffered from trauma that was on going over years, to cope I split my life into compartments to the point that I had 5 personalities to cope with my growing up years.  I knew by the time I was 15 that something odd was happening, but like anything else I expressed concern about, I was told there was nothing wrong with me and stop exaggerating.   I stopped trying to find answers.  The outcome, I spiraled slowly down into a deep pit of depression with physical health problems so extreme the doctors didn't know what was wrong with me.  I recently read a book from a child's perspective of living with a multiple mother.  I cried all the way through the book as I saw better from my children's perspective how confusing I could be.  They would tell me things that I would 'forget' and then I would talk to them about the same thing later.  The alters, parts of myself, did not share information.  One of my children even figured out that depending on when I was asked, they could get different answers.  The hardest of all was the part of me that showed no emotion of any kind.  How can you show your children you love them if the alter that is in control can not feel any emotion?  The higher the stress the more likely this would happen.  Then other days they would have a kind, laughing, loving mom that wasn't anything like the emotionless one.  I also had no idea that this was happening.  When one of my kids was a teenager she challenged me why I lied all the time.  I had no idea what she meant.  Another challenged me with why did I act differently around some people.  Again I had no idea what she meant.  One of the medical doctors recommended I get counseling, unfortunately the psychiatrist that was involved in the week long medical testing scared me so much that I took 10 more years before I built up the courage to try.   Then came counseling.  I knew that I had difficulty sharing how I felt.  So I asked the counselor to help my husband and I communicate better.  I never mentioned anything about my childhood.  KavinCoach treated us like an average couple and gave us assignments.  Results were not what he expected.  Things kept going really wrong.  He finally talked to each one of us separately.  The wife my husband described and KavinCoach's own experience in talking to me, he felt like they were 2 different people.  Fortunately in his 30 years of experience he recognized what was happening.  It took 6 months of counseling to get enough information together to give a definite diagnosis and recognize how severe the problem was.  I often imagine some day giving a speech starting with, "Every teenager believes their mother is crazy, my children have documentation."

My behavior had already hurt my children.  Some had chosen low contact boarding no contact.  They already felt that a heart to heart conversation was out of the question with mom.  I worked hard through out the counseling to understand who and what I was.  How to change my behavior and how to share this with my kids without adding to the trauma of having a whacked out mom.   I finally chose to write a book that most of my kids have read.  It didn't magically change everything.  That took a lot of effort on both of our parts.  I was able to recognize my progress when my children complimented me on how calm I was during Thanksgiving.  A time I am usually too stressed to enjoy the holiday.  I enjoy a wonderful relationship with all my children.  I still say and do things that are not kind but I know it and I apologize.  I am still careful to allow myself some decompression time after a major event.  I am learning that 'normal' family interaction is not smooth no matter who you are.  I do believe being integrated makes a world of difference.  I am thankful to my husband, my children, KavinCoach and friends that have supported me and continue to support me through this huge change in my life.  Reconciliation takes a lot of work on both sides.  

Fell in a black hole

Ever have a moment in time when you were just cruising along and someone said, "Hey what do you know about this?"  So you got take a gander and blip, you drop into a dark hole.  I did that tonight.  I was reading some information on DID and integration.  I wandered over to the author's web page where she shared her abuse story.  I used to be able to read these without being bothered in the least.  Not any more.  Integration put me in touch with how she felt at the time of the abuse.  I don't think I will make that mistake twice.  The author did warn me.  I just hadn't taken into account how much integration has changed me.  I am not sorry for the change, but I do need to be a bit more self protective.  When the sign says don't go there, DON'T. 

More fun

Too tired to think, so I will just send you off to a Fun video.


http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/video/video.php?v=686979186115&comments


or you might try this link if the one above doesn't work.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lXh2n0aPyw


Fascinated to see over 14 million have viewed this link.  

I love to Laugh

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers.  And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.  Bill Cosby  


I was raised on Bill Cosby.  Voompa Voompa Ding ~ brings an instant smile to my face.  I have seen him several times in person.  Tonight I was feeling tired, out of sorts, and just plain run over.  Decided to play at Facebook early and encountered some lovely quotes, cute pictures, a funny video and wonderful people.  Kind humor makes bad things good and good things better.  Thanks everyone out their that likes to share cute, charming, and funny.  


Try googling laughter and see what you can come up with.  
Add links in the comments.    


First saw this in an email ~
http://www.listentolaughter.com/people/a-tiny-little-film/

I am doomed

Being organized is just as much mind management as it is time management. 

Pam Young

Pam Young writes several wonderful web pages:

www.innerkiddies.com, www.thegetoutofdebtbook.org, or www.happinessfile.com 

I get her daily quotes.  I think about some very seriously but others explain so much.  My mother tried desperately to get me to be organized.  She couldn't organize herself so I was the one that became her project for organizing.  I failed miserably most of the time.  I was taught that the pinnacle of worthiness was to be organized, orderly and on time.  I was none of these things ~ ever.  I did try.  I just didn't know that from age 5 on, I was hopeless.  Two of the fascinating things about being a multiple is that you do not have one mind to manage and time comes in bits and pieces, an hour here, a couple of days there, but never all in one piece.  Before counseling I gave up on getting myself organized.  Now I recognize, why I am doomed.  With integration I am still trying to take total control of my mind without it being hijacked from time to time.  I love the quote, "Out of my mind, please leave a message."  I wear the T-shirt proudly.  Organization requires several things.  A time continuum.  Time in pieces will not stay organized, like giving parts of a thousand piece puzzle to 5 different people.  Now I have all the puzzle pieces and there is just so much I want to do but I have no concept of how long it takes to do something.  I am also learning that organization is not the pinnacle of worthiness.  There are many other things that are far more interesting to me, enjoying my children, getting to know my grandkids, zumba, writing, photography,  and the list goes on.  I think some organization is helpful to accomplish some tasks but the world spins crazily through space in ordered chaos.  Might be why one of my favorite widgets is Fractal of the Day. I am doomed to never be organized how I was taught but I have every intention of creating a beautiful fractal with my life.  

    

what's in a name

Imagine having a name for something then a small committee of people decide that name will no longer be used.   The word so describes someone you know, but darn it, somebody else decided that for whatever reason they don't want to use it.  In this case it is narcissistic.  If you do not know a narcissistic personality type person the rest of this blog will make little sense so enjoy cruising a couple of fun pages.
http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/2011/01/kids-point-of-view.html
http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/2010/12/shopping.html

I am including the links of some excellent people that keep up on the happenings with narcissistic, simply because they have one in their life.  Narcissistic behavior in my opinion is never recognized by the person acting that way.  I call it their Mary Poppin attitude that they are "practically perfect" in every way.  But it is a great way to connect with others dealing with a set of behaviors that is hard to describe any other way.  Saying that you have an NM with an EF so you are considering going NC, makes complete sense.  I added links for the exact details of what is happening.

First read about it here:

http://upsi-upsi.blogspot.com/2010/12/dsm-drama.html

comment on original post below:
http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2010/12/more-on-removal-of-npd-from-newest-dsm.html

Origianal post
http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-two-cents-on-npd-being-removed-from.html

Other bloggers picked up the idea and added their comments.  This one from Suburban Black Sheep is one of my favorites:
http://suburbanblacksheep.blogspot.com/2011/01/savage-chickens.html

I guess I am coming from a different place because changing the name doesn't change the behavior.  Seven years ago I received a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with Dissociation at a severe level.  Quite a mouthful.  I Googled it to get a clue what they were talking about, then I started doing the research.

Fifteen years ago they would have called me, Dissociative Identity Disorder.  Thirty years ago I would have been called Multiple Personality.  100 years ago I would have been imprisoned.  300 years ago, probably burned as a witch.  Well, there are still a few that wish burning of crazies was still legal.  Every time someone does something insanely stupid the news broadcast to the world that all crazies should be watched.  Bummer.  Being integrated for 2 years doesn't change what I was for 45 years.  I just called myself a survivor.

This perspective colors my opinion.  No matter what you call them, if you have a Narcissistic parent, you still have the same big problems.  Perhaps part of the reason 'they' want to change the name is 'they' want to take themselves out of the book where the crazies are listed.  Just a random, off the wall thought.

Made it through

Words from a special friend came to mind when I think of surviving my son's wedding, "But I would have liked to do it with more grace."  Then I remind myself that this is the first of my kids' weddings that I made it all the way through without passing out.  The passing out thing has gone on since I was 15 years old.  During times of high stress, I go all out until my body just quits on me.  This time I used tactics taught to me by KavinCoach and New Counselor that helped me focus on the joy my son and new daughter-in-law were experiencing.  I also reminded myself that I did NOT have to fix everything that I thought might go wrong.  Towards the end I focused on keeping track of one wound up grandson while my very competent family took care of cleanup.  Grandson gave Grandma a real work-out almost as good as my Zumba class.  On reviewing the day, I thought of the happiness radiating from the lovely couple.  Their friends' delight in their marriage.  The generosity of so many that shared their time, talents, and resources to make a wonderful day and a great party.  I think if there is another wedding I won't dread it quite so much.  Maybe, I just might find it enjoyable.  
Who knows?   

Albert Einstein

For being a smart guy, Albert Einstein had a lot of common sense.  This one is among my favorites:

Problems cannot be solved by the level of awareness that created them.  

I think this is one of the main reasons counseling was so important for me.  I was totally unaware of the 'big' problem.  I saw the symptoms everyday and didn't understand that symptoms can mask a much larger underlying problem.  

From Quotes4all.net

We all are worms, but I do believe I am a glowworm.

Winston Churchill

I love computers...

sometimes.  Well, I am off to my son's wedding today.  I am delighted with our beautiful, new daughter-in-law to be.  I just wish there was a way to do this without the wedding.  Weddings are up there with moving or having surgery for stress levels.  Actually for me surgery is easier than a wedding.  I am letting the computer publish this for me since I am VERY busy.  (Good computer.  Sit. Stay.)

Smile, people will wonder 

what you are up to.  

A New Word

Check out Simply Diane and her NEW word she created.  I really like it. 
http://simplydianeblog.com/2011/01/19/whats-the-word/

Sounded good at first

Don't pray for a light load, pray for a strong back.


I put this in the queue for a future post.  It sounded good at first.  Then I decided that who ever said it, for some reason I didn't copy that part, never took an engineering class.  Engineers in one of the first classes build a bridge out of toothpicks.  To find out the break point they add weight until the bridge breaks then they know the break point. I think I am going to change this a little.*  


Don't pray for a light load, it will strengthen you.  On the other hand, don't take on someone else's garbage.  (Yup, I am learning a lot from reading The Law of the Garbage Truck.)  I looked back at my life and realized that sometimes when I was under the most stress was when not only was I doing my stuff but someone else's responsibilities too.  I think "Sufficient unto the day" has new meaning.  


*The most amazing bridge I heard about was a tooth pick bridge that took over 300 lbs to break it.  The person dipped each toothpick in epoxy glue then dipped the whole bridge in glue.  I think they put a limit on the amount of glue used after that one.  

I got an Award

http://thisismedamnit.blogspot.com/2011/01/time-for-some-awards-and-my-5-guilty.html

I got a Blog Award.  I appreciate the feedback that someone likes my blog.  It came at a time when life's dramas were a little much.  Thanks Stacey for sharing my blog on your blog. 

I have a Dream:

Martin Luther King to me is one of the Nation's amazing people.  His Dream is spreading to many that can see his vision.

Bellalife on facebook posted his quote. 

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. ~~Martin Luther King, Jr.  http://www.facebook.com/?sk=lf#!/thebellalife

I knew I had made progress with my kids at little league years ago when my son pointed out the guy in the red shirt as his coach.  The man was the only black man there but my son identified him by the color of his shirt, not his skin.  

Humans tend to categorize everything including people.  I cringe when people say they don't want contact with this group or another.  The hardest for me is the rising of those that don't want to be associated with the crazies.  Because you see, I am one of the crazies.  I am less crazy now than I was 7 years ago.  People are people and they make poor choices.  Just because a person with blue eyes make a bad choice doesn't mean all people with blue eyes will make the same bad choice.  Just because a crazy goes on a killing spree doesn't mean all crazies will go on a killing spree.  I have a dream that I will be judge by what I do today and not what I have done to survive for most of my life.  PTSD is tough enough without an out cry that every person with PTSD be monitored like a criminal.  I didn't commit the crime.     

New intesting and fun links

Intersting:

http://ifyouregoingthoughhellkeepgoing.blogspot.com/

The writer of this blog is hoping to educate others about bipolar I.  A couple of the entries are surveying kids and finding out that mental illness is 'IN' since the Stars have it must be good.  Wow.  I had no idea.  I am still at the stage of meeting people that I want to beg don't get out the silver bullets and stakes.  I have noticed several of my favorite TV shows are addressing the very real problems faced.  Unfortunately, some of the shows spread more misinformation.  My own diagnosis PTSD with dissociation at a severe level gives very little indication of some of the problems I face daily.  I plan to explore this blog further.

Fun:

The above blog shared a link to http://cuteoverload.com/

If you like furry critters and want a great Awww... moment take a look.  I liked the one I found about a day with the office squirrel. 

Good/Bad emotions

Every once in a while I get the discouraging feeling that I am the only person in the world that fights depression, discouragement, fear, or just plain I can't do this any more.  Then I read what someone else is experiencing and think,"Oh silly me, I am just a member of the silent majority that won't talk about the 'bad' emotions."  Have you ever noticed that if you are depressed, discouraged, fearful, or angry people tell you that you are in a bad mood.  But if you are happy, excited, or cheerful you are in a good mood.  I experienced the wasteland of no emotion.  One person said wouldn't it be great if you could never be sad?  No, then you could never morn the passing of a loved one.   Wouldn't it be great if you never felt fear?  No, if your car was stuck on a train track and a freight train was coming you might not move fast enough to get out of the way.  Wouldn't it be great if you never felt anger?  No, when abuse happens you should feel anger towards the perpetrators.  I liked what my friend said, "Emotions are emotions, neither good or bad.  They just are."  

Emotions, to me, are what makes us human.  We can laugh, cry, shout, smile, scowl, and many other actions that express what we feel.  We can smile when talking to someone at a loved ones funeral.  We can feel sad at an exciting party.  There is this amazing array of feelings that can occur.  I have heard on the news the horrible things people have done because of their emotions.  Ads are played daily to appeal to people that want to alter their feelings of depression.  Counselors are kept busy because people are overwhelmed by their emotions.  Now that I feel emotions, I can understand wanting to make these pesky emotions behave the way I want them to.  

I am learning that emotions can be controlled and manipulated.  Advertisers make this their specialty.  News people work at getting across the emotion of a situation.  I do have the opinion that emotions do not justify hurting someone else.  I appreciate people sharing their emotions - good, bad, or indifferent, because I have a lot to learn and catch up.  I am in the midst of an emotional crisis but I can't help smiling and hoping you have a great day.  :)       

Emotions can run the gamut.  These are two posts I read this evening that got me thinking about what are bad emotions.  

From Simply Diane:

http://simplydianeblog.com/2011/01/14/a-blog-is-born/

From Band Back Together:

http://www.bandbacktogether.com/igiveup

Great Poem

This was posted in comments by mulderfan.  I appreciate my readers support.  

Ruth, this was read at my AA meeting last night and I thought of you.

I ASKED FOR STRENGTH ~Unknown

I asked for Strength...
And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for Wisdom...
And God gave me Problems to solve.

I asked for Prosperity...
And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work.

I asked for Courage...
And God gave me Danger to overcome.

I asked for Love...
And God gave me troubled people to help.

I asked for Favors...
and God gave me Opportunities.

I got nothing I wanted...
But I received everything I needed. 



I will be cutting things short tonight since I need to cut out the rest of a dress tonight.  Hope everyone gets what they need and a few of their wants this weekend.  

Sun peeping out

Begin Today. No matter how feeble the light, let it shine as best it may. The world may need just that quality of light which you have.-Henry C Blinn

From Simply Diane

Snowflakes are one of nature’s most fragile things, but just look what they can do when they stick together.” Vista M. Kelly

Diane shares her experience with snow in Atlanta.  

I am having a rough week but there is NO snow in Phoenix, AZ.  This makes me VERY happy.  15 years in Washington state convinced me that if I never see snow again it is ok with me.  

Kind of fun.  I signed up for my daughter's Zumba class; she's the teacher.  I wonder if she will let me pull the "I'm too old" card when the class gets tough.  Knowing her she will nag me to get up and get going.  I love that girl.  

Depressed and boy do I know it.

The interesting thing about hitting bottom and recognizing you are there, the next time you are headed in the same direction you notice the warning signals.  This time I even have a fairly good idea of the causes.  Yup.  Slammed from several directions makes it much harder to stay on my feet.  First, skipping reading emails, next sleep dropping below 5 hours a night, followed by sleeping with the light on, increased nightmares, and on down the slippery slope.  Wait whoa!! Hold on just a second, minute, I can do anything for 5 minutes.  Came home from work after being there for 5 minutes.  Slept.  Took care of something that was weighing heavily on my mind.  Relaxed.  Good food.  Work on pictures.  Then something different happened.  I logged on to my blog and checked out what some of the amazing people are writing on their blogs.  One of the problems I face is a parent that displays many of the symptoms of being narcissistic but no 'official diagnosis,' plus years of KavinCoach reminding that when I am taught how to negotiate healthy boundaries I can do this with everyone except said parent.   I read other people's blogs that experience the same thing and I read and learn from their example. They set boundaries, study, talk to siblings,  and in one case chose to go no contact.  Since I read the last blog for awhile I know some of the struggles faced.  The effort gone into working things out.  Today I read criticism from an anonymous person that suggested she try harder.  (Check out the drama for yourself. You Don't Have to Dance for Them.)The suggestions were way out of line and fairly obvious that the person hadn't read much of the blog.  I hope anonymous can work out what drove them to treat a stranger so unkindly.  Yes, the person did apologize sort of.  I decided to throw in my opinion.  On a day that was gray and getting darker I realized, not just from the encouragement of others, for myself, that I have come along way.  One of my daughters was on the verge of going no contact quite a few years ago.  She increased distance and reduced contact.  I had a choice, blame others or change myself.  I knew what it takes to improve family relationships.  I wrote what I did to improve my family relationships.  Please keep in mind that I make plenty of mistakes.  I am often on the verge of going no contact myself with some individuals.  I am learning to doing things differently.  I realized I don't have to hit bottom again.  I can turn this downward spiral around.  I know things to do that work for me.  Bizarrely one of them is my gray pictures.  I started these early on in counseling.  I am posting only a few.  Keep in mind when you look at these that by the time I quit making them I had over 100 pictures of GRAY.

Picasso had his blue period.  I have my gray period.  Another artist, Richter, did the same kind of thing after World War 2.  I learned from past experience that I can change direction.  I went through my files and found things that make me happy.  

I am not going to hit bottom.  I will be back at work tomorrow.  I am learning new ways of living.

Grief Part 2

Last week was a tough week in AZ.  People in Tucson were randomly killed because they were close to a person that had a political view different than the shooter.  My friend buried her father who died the week before when she buried her mother.  These two elderly people had been part of a string of break-ins into elderly homes.  A lousy Christmas this year.  I felt so sad for my friend but I can not lift her burden of grief for her.  I did share a web page that specializes in providing a space to remember a loved one.  

http://www.alwaysloved.org 
A place to remember ~ web page


How does one grieve for a relationship that dies but the person is still alive?  When it is a spouse, a divorce happens, then there is a healing process that may or may not happen but when people ask, the simple, "I'm going through a divorce," says so much.  Instantly you have supporters and some people that understand.  Death, divorce both have definite endings.  The experiences are painful but a single word gives a ton of information.  


How does someone explain that a narcissistic parent just doesn't have the ability to show love?  Two years of counseling to convince me that the relationship I dreamed of as a child would never happen.  I would never be the child that could be loved by my parent.  Of course, the horrible nest that gets built up inside my head is what did I do that I can't be loved.  Even as an adult the concept is difficult to wrap my mind around.  She can say the words but the actions don't match and will never match.  The sadness goes heart deep but what do you say when someone who knows your parent tells you how lucky you are to have such a loving parent?  I grieved.  I didn't want to let go of the hope that beings that both of us were alive this would still be possible.  Letting go of the hope, allowed me to grieve.  And allowed me to accept what she could offer.  Her version.  Grieving allowed me to let her be herself instead of what I wanted her to be.  I grieved a long time.         


How do I explain the grief I felt when I integrated?  I had a bunch of people that were with me 24/7 sort of.  Sort of because most of my life we could only be out 1 at a time.  Through counseling I got to know all of the alters then I made a decision to integrate.  I became one again after 45 years of being a group.  Some days I really miss them.  Inside my mind can get really quite now.  I cry.  Then I remember that nobody is really missing.  They are all here with me.  I can remember yesterday, the day before, and each day ~ I am all here.  Living as one person is different and sometimes really difficult.  Part of my confusion in grieving is my joy of being me again.  Hugs from my adult children and their families expand my world of love far beyond anything I dreamed possible.  I grieve but I am not sorry I made a life changing choice that made me one again.       

Grief

You know how it is when you are talking to somebody else and you think you are giving them really good advice,  if you just listen maybe it is what you need to hear.  I did that this week.  A friend was struggling with a loss.   No one died, the relationship changed because of circumstances she couldn't control.  She was annoyed with herself for not moving forward.  I suggested that she might need more time to grieve the loss of someone important.  I reread the email and had a "Doh" moment.  My son is in the process of moving to China with this lovely wife.  I am really sad he is moving.  At the same time I am happy for him and his wife for their new adventure.  My counselor moved.  I am really bummed.  I am feeling like I am regressing instead of progressing.  Wait, think.  What did I say to my friend?  Oh yeah, maybe I need to allow myself to grieve for the major changes in my life.  Add to this I am really happy for another son who is marrying a beautiful young lady.  More major changes but this one I feel only happiness.  Before integration, I knew how to do this.  Each of my alters would have dealt with each issue.  Now, I have integrated and I have to feel all these different conflicting emotions and not go to pieces.  You know being a singleton is really hard somedays.  I looked up Grief on a web dictionary.  The meaning for grief was established a hundred years ago.  Thousands of people today are feeling grief for one reason or another.  I do not get a 'get out of Grief' card just because I finally integrated.  Now, I get to feel things I have not fully felt before.  I think I need to give myself more time to work this through.  I am learning that Grief has a component of depression but is not just depression.  I experienced depression before.  This feels different.  Like a child that just picked up a dangerous, sharp object I feel almost compelled to explore it.  I believe I will take breaks from my studies to rejoice in the new addition to our family.  Grief and joy seem to be able to coexist.  Most curious.     

Grief \Grief\ (gr[=e]f), n. [OE. grief, gref, OF. grief, gref, F. grief, L. gravis heavy; akin to Gr. bary`s, Skr. guru, Goth. ka['u]rus. Cf. Barometer, Grave, a., Grieve, Gooroo.]

1. Pain of mind on account of something in the past; mental suffering arising from any cause, as misfortune, loss of friends, misconduct of one's self or others, etc.; sorrow; sadness. [1913 Webster]

2. Cause of sorrow or pain; that which afficts or distresses; trial; grievance. [1913 Webster]

http://www.dictionary.net/grief

Take a look at the date Webster defined grief in 1913 and it hasn't changed much.  What has changed is that I can feel it.  What hasn't changed I still deny it.    What has changed I can recognize the really good advice I gave to someone else.  I need to grieve.  I need to allow myself to say this really upset me.  I am sadden by the loss.  Unfortunately, loss doesn't come in ones.  Sometimes more than one thing happens at a time. 

Later may be next week

I am working back up to feeling a bit better but sometimes bouncing back up takes more time than I want.  I did read another blog that I totally busted up laughing.  Please keep in mind I am a computer geek, spent 15 years as a computer tech.  This goes a long way to explaining why I loved the picture.  The video was awesome too.  
Check out Simply Diane at: 
http://simplydianeblog.com/2011/01/07/back-from-the-edge/ 

That's IT!

I admit it.  I am out of sorts really grumpy.  I even warned the world today by wearing my Oscar the Grouch shirt that reads, "I wear this shirt when I'm a Grouch."  Everything positive looks gray and everything negative looks black.  Thank goodness for counseling.  Makes me look at the real problem and not all the surface things like goal setting, dirty dishes, crazy traffic, those are all frustrating annoyances.  Thank goodness for awesome friends and bloggers that share their perspective.  Over at "It's all about MiE" check out the title,  "Gummy Bears, Ritz Crackers and Diet Dr. Pepper"
http://itsallaboutmie.blogspot.com/2011/01/gummy-bears-ritz-and-diet-dr-pepper.html
Sounds like comfort food to me.  Nope this is breakfast.  Take the time and browse through her blog.  Don't miss the comments they are awesome too.  Enjoy the day, I should be feeling better later.  

Goals can be so Depressing

Ever wonder why planning a goal is really depressing?  This is a quote I saw today:

"Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo Da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein."

~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

I admire all of these people but I ain't them.  I ain't ever gonna be them because I am me.  When I compare me to them, I ain't much.  

I thought a lot about all this.  The reason goal setting is depressing for me, no matter what goal I set someone would come along and tell me it wasn't high enough, great enough, or important enough.  I would then look at my goal and feel diminished.  Such a depressing thing.  I stopped setting goals years ago when the greatest thing I did was get out of bed.  I planned to accomplish one thing before my body would collapse.  Now, I am not talking writing the great American novel.  Nope.  I am talking I would put away the dishes that my kids washed.  That would take 2 - 3 hours with several rests in between.  Setting up goals was down right depressing.  What to do?

I have this awesome friend that I happen to be related to.  She told me what she does.  She gives gifts to herself.  Yeah.  Presents.  Last year it was the gift of improved health.  Now that sounds wonderful.  To get her gift she ate healthier, exercised more, slept more regular hours.  Hey, I like the idea of presents. Presents are not nearly as depressing as goals that someone else thinks is puny.  Wait a minute, isn't the whole idea of setting a goal is for me, not somebody else.  Do you know what?  I am not all those other people, I am me.  And I love getting presents.  Hum, what present do I want to give myself this year?  

An earlier blog talked about working on my strengths.  I certainly plan to do this.  A plan is a goal in disguise because few people will discourage you from having a plan.  I think one of the presents I will give myself is to believe that I can make a good plan.  Maybe this goal setting thing isn't so depressing after all.  Hope you have a grand time giving yourself a present this year.  

Kids Point of View

Perspective, it is all in the perspective.

  While I  sat in the reception area
  Of my doctor's office, a woman rolled  an elderly man
  In a wheelchair into the room.  As  she went
  To the  receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone
  And silent. Just as I was thinking I should  make
  Small talk with  him, a little boy slipped off
  His mother's lap and  walked over to
  The wheelchair.  Placing his hand on the
  man's, he said, I know  how you feel.  My
  Mom  makes me ride in the stroller too..'

  *****

  As  I was nursing
  My baby,  my cousin's six-year-old
  Daughter, Krissy, came into the room.
  Never having seen anyone breast feed
  Before, she was intrigued and full of  all
  Kinds of questions  about what I was doing.
  After mulling over my answers, she remarked,
  'My mom has some of those, but I don't think  she
  Knows  how to use them..'

  *****

  Out bicycling
  One day with my  eight-year-old
  Granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a  little
  Wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll  want
  To  be with  your friends and you won't go
  Walking, biking, and  swimming with me like you do
  Now. Carolyn shrugged.  'In ten  years you'll be
  Too old  to do all those things  anyway.'

  ******

  Working as a  pediatric
  Nurse, I had  the difficult assignment
  Of giving immunization shots to  children..
  One day, I entered the examining room to  give
  Four-year-old  Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she
  Screamed.  'Lizzie,' scolded her mother,  'that's
  Not polite  behavior.'  With that, the girl yelled even  louder,
  'No, thank you!  No,  thank you!

  ******

  On the way back from a Cub
  Scout meeting, my grandson innocently  said to my son,
  'Dad, I  know babies come from mommies' tummies, but
  How do they get there in the first place?'  After  my
  Son hemmed and hawed  awhile,  my grandson finally
  Spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make
  Up something, Dad.  It's okay if you  don't
  Know the  answer.'

  *****

  Just before I
  Was deployed to Iraq , I sat my  eight-year-old
  Son down  and broke the news to him.  'I'm
  Going to be away for a long time,' I told
  Him.  'I'm going  to Iraq .'   'Why?' he
  Asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going
  On  over  there?'

  *****

  Paul Newman
  Founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for
  Children stricken with cancer, AIDS,  and blood
  Diseases. One  afternoon, he and his wife,
  Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with
  The kids.  A counselor at a  nearby
  Table,  suspecting the young patients
  Wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star,
  Explained, That's the man who made this  camp
  Possible. Maybe  you've seen his picture on
  His salad dressing bottle?'  Blank
  Stares. ‘Well, you've probably seen his face  on
  His lemonade  carton.'  An eight-year-old girl
  Perked  up.  'How long was he  missing?'

  *****

  .... And my personal favorite is...........God's  Problem Now:

  His wife's graveside service was just barely  finished, when  there was a
  massive clap of thunder, followed by a  tremendous  bolt of lightning,
  accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in  the distance.  The little, old man
  looked at the  pastor and calmly  said,
  'Well, she's there.'


--
Friendship isn't a big thing, its a million little things.
-- Source Unknown

In the Palm of His Hand

Isaiah 49:16 Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.

A year of working on my strengthens.  I do not remember a time when I did not believe in Jesus Christ as my Savior.  I was taught young but that was only the beginning.  By the time I was in Junior High I read the New Testament by myself.  In high school I had a falling out with friends over my belief in Jesus Christ.  One friend mistakenly teased me about how serious I was about my faith in Christ.  I responded that it was one of the few things in my life that I took seriously.  My belief and love for my Savior, Jesus Christ, has made and continues to make a major difference in my life.  PTSD made it difficult to convey how I felt emotionally but never in my heart did I doubt.  I do not understand Heavenly Father's plan for my life.  I have a number of big questions that I would really like answered but I can wait.  He sent His son to help with tough questions.  I know that part of this year of working on my strengths will include studying more about Jesus Christ.  One of the books I read last year was Untamed by Lisa Harper.  She gave me plenty to think about.  Her perspective gave me a new view of my friend Jesus.  This year I will continue my study and take what I have learned into my life.  At my darkest moments, at my lowest lows, I am never alone.  He is with me.  Sometimes I struggle with understanding how He loves me but I do not doubt that He does.

One of my hopes is that I will be the third person in this story.  I heard a story years ago that 3 people died and went to Heaven.  They waited in a lovely room to be interviewed to decide where in Heaven they belonged.  The first person was called in to the interview room and the person giving the interview asked, "What do you know about Christ?"
The person shrugged their shoulders, "I think I have heard of Him but don't know much about Him."  He was ushered out of the interview room.
The second person was admitted into the interview room.  Again the question came, "What do you know about Christ?"
The second person started a long dissertation starting with, "He was born in a stable to Mary and Joseph.  They were visited by shepherds and then wise men came."  Then he continued to recite for quite sometime all the details of Christ's life.  When he was finished he was ushered out of the interview room.  
The third person entered into the interview room.  Took one look at who was interviewing him and fell to his knees exclaiming, "My Lord."  And worshiped the Savior, Jesus Christ, who was conducting the interviews.

This year, one of my strengths that I wish to improve is my understanding of Christ and His love for me.  

Someone else's post

I found this on someone else's post.  When I read it, about ten million fire crackers went off at the same time.  Have you watched the cartoons where the bomb is swallowed and it explodes inside without killing the character then smokes comes out of their ears.  It was kind of like that.  If you are a person that believes that Fate controls all,  please, stop reading now.  Otherwise expect to be offended because I am sick and tired of people seeing a bad situation and shrugging their shoulders with a glib "IT IS WHAT IT IS." Now I agree that when the horror at the World Trade Center in New York City, the Pentagon in Washington, and the plane crashed outside of Philadelphia was blaring from every computer screen in the computer lab my grief was delayed. The week before I found out I had cancer.  Then I thought of the thousands that would not be going home that day and my cancer suddenly became fairly minor outpatient surgery.  In that bubble of time, I watched the shared horror and grief of others who recognized the horrendous actions of that day. Terrible things happened that can not be undone.  I could do nothing about it.  

This clip at the top wasn't sent to the survivors of that terrible day.  It was sent to a son by a parent.  Now it is my theory, please don't correct me if I am wrong, that a personal relationship with a person as close a parent/child relationship a lot more can be done besides sit and watch the carnage.  HELLO!!! Glibly shrugging your shoulders and saying 'it is what it is' does several really terrible things.  The statement screams I don't care enough to change what I can change.  I don't care enough to take responsibility for my actions.  If what I did was unintentional, I don't care enough to apologize for my unintentional action.  If I accidentally bump in to a stranger, I will apologize but you are just family ~ Deal with it after all 'it is what it is.'  To me, this attitude is cruel and heartless.  In my estimation a parent that says this should lose there standing as a parent.  Get a grip.  Take responsibility for your behavior and start improving your relationship.  Sometimes that starts with taking a good hard look at yourself.  Stop wallowing in your self pity and start seeing those around you as people of worth.  

So why would a small statement tick me off so much.  I grew up hearing over and over, "That is just the way your mother is, you have to love her.  After all she is doing the best she knows how."  Sounds reasonable - on the surface.  Now dig deeper.  Repeatedly she was told she needed counseling.  She didn't want to, it hurt too much.  NO SHIT.  After seven years in counseling, I will agree IT HURT.  But I was on a mission.  My behavior was hurting those around me and myself.  I went to counseling.  I worked at changing.  I check in with those around me and try not to hurt them.  I don't always succeed.  So then I apologize.  I know from personal experience stating 'it is what it is' IS a cop out.  A cop out that really hurts those closest to you.  I was really messed up in my childhood, I can not change my past.  My past 'Is what it is.'  I can change my present and my future.  I do not have to leave it that way.  I can learn a better way than what was taught to me.  Another reader, mulderfan, sent me one of my favorite poems and she kindly found the entire poem:

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

The courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life and 
     supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next. 

~Reinhold Niebuhr

I hope that 2011 I may continue to get emotionally healthy and improve the most important relationships that I have, my family.  My past may be carved in stone but the present is in sand.  I can alter the pattern NOW, TODAY.  I am sorry a fellow blogger is in a situation that anyone would send such a heartless statement.  I hope he can surround himself with people that do care enough to want to improve what can be changed.  


I am editing this post to include mulderfan's comment that helps to clarify an important point:
Glad you enjoyed the Serenity Prayer. It gets me through a lot of situations!

"It is what it is" is one of the slogans used at AA meetings. The "momster" who used it to avoid responsibility for her actions basically took a useful expression and twisted it for her own purposes.

At AA meetings we use it to accept the things we cannot change. A lot of AAs have control issues and we have to learn to let go of things that are beyond our control and in doing so let go of resentments that feed our addiction. It is NEVER used to justify our own inappropriate actions because we work hard to understand that only WE are responsible for those.

I'm with you, Ruth. Seeing someone like that pervert a useful slogan pissed me off!