Depressed and boy do I know it.

The interesting thing about hitting bottom and recognizing you are there, the next time you are headed in the same direction you notice the warning signals.  This time I even have a fairly good idea of the causes.  Yup.  Slammed from several directions makes it much harder to stay on my feet.  First, skipping reading emails, next sleep dropping below 5 hours a night, followed by sleeping with the light on, increased nightmares, and on down the slippery slope.  Wait whoa!! Hold on just a second, minute, I can do anything for 5 minutes.  Came home from work after being there for 5 minutes.  Slept.  Took care of something that was weighing heavily on my mind.  Relaxed.  Good food.  Work on pictures.  Then something different happened.  I logged on to my blog and checked out what some of the amazing people are writing on their blogs.  One of the problems I face is a parent that displays many of the symptoms of being narcissistic but no 'official diagnosis,' plus years of KavinCoach reminding that when I am taught how to negotiate healthy boundaries I can do this with everyone except said parent.   I read other people's blogs that experience the same thing and I read and learn from their example. They set boundaries, study, talk to siblings,  and in one case chose to go no contact.  Since I read the last blog for awhile I know some of the struggles faced.  The effort gone into working things out.  Today I read criticism from an anonymous person that suggested she try harder.  (Check out the drama for yourself. You Don't Have to Dance for Them.)The suggestions were way out of line and fairly obvious that the person hadn't read much of the blog.  I hope anonymous can work out what drove them to treat a stranger so unkindly.  Yes, the person did apologize sort of.  I decided to throw in my opinion.  On a day that was gray and getting darker I realized, not just from the encouragement of others, for myself, that I have come along way.  One of my daughters was on the verge of going no contact quite a few years ago.  She increased distance and reduced contact.  I had a choice, blame others or change myself.  I knew what it takes to improve family relationships.  I wrote what I did to improve my family relationships.  Please keep in mind that I make plenty of mistakes.  I am often on the verge of going no contact myself with some individuals.  I am learning to doing things differently.  I realized I don't have to hit bottom again.  I can turn this downward spiral around.  I know things to do that work for me.  Bizarrely one of them is my gray pictures.  I started these early on in counseling.  I am posting only a few.  Keep in mind when you look at these that by the time I quit making them I had over 100 pictures of GRAY.

Picasso had his blue period.  I have my gray period.  Another artist, Richter, did the same kind of thing after World War 2.  I learned from past experience that I can change direction.  I went through my files and found things that make me happy.  

I am not going to hit bottom.  I will be back at work tomorrow.  I am learning new ways of living.